They should really pass out barf bags in church
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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