Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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