My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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