I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
