My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I want her autograph on my taint
you had me at cake vodka
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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