Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
handjob tips. give me some.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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