btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Randomize
