I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
