I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
