How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
