You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
