I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
