I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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