just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
