I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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