I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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