I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
