who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
