I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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