The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
