Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
