i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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