am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
