It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
