I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
