i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
