the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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