It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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