Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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