the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
