Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
