Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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