Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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