There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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