I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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