there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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