a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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