Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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