He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
