She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
