Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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