you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
