Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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