quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
