I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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