Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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