Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
