Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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