I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
