Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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