God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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