the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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