so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
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There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
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The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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