smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
