This girl is more easily done than said...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
