I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
