I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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